Day 87 - Saturday Attacks!

July 4th, 2015

Stuff this.

I have to make a pros-and-cons list. What I thought was fuel in my tank was actually just fumes. Here’s the thing, I’m not sure if I’m rationalizing or if this is a logical choice. I legitimately don’t know. After work today, I went to the gym and realized that I was feeling surprised every time I had a positive interaction with someone for something small. Just them saying yes to something that no one would say ‘no’ to was enough. “Hey, can I use that weight you’re not using?” yeah, of course. Relief.

This is the second day in a row that I worked for fun because I have not gotten any sign-ups. I counted the days I have till I’d quit anyway, the deadline, which is another 12 work days. Though, a phrase from the 4 hour workweek keeps playing in my head about playing up your strength instead of wasting time becoming mediocre at your weaknesses. Door-to-door sales: do I need it?
Climb! CLIMB!
I’m actually somewhat amazed at how much I’m deliberating over this. Maybe I enjoy the self-flagellation, or maybe I’m not sure which is the best course for growth. Then there’s the question of growth vs financial stability. Should I borrow from the future (earnings in China) to enjoy the rest of the time in Australia? Can I be sure that I’ll get better at this job in time to make enough? Am I showing any signs of improvement? The analogy for this last one is “running into a brick wall that says ’no thanks, mate’ in various levels of rudeness”

With regards to whether I feel my abilities are improving, that’s a definite no. I feel like it’s a roll of the dice when I walk up to the door, and the dice are most often coming up “fuck you.” I feel like the culture is trying to suck me in and play both on greed and people’s desire to be strong; Both of which push me further away because I'm not buying in.

Crazy Clouds
I’m also looking for a dozen ways to better use my time. I’m seriously considering hiring a Virtual Assistant (VA) in India or China to find me both pupils who want to learn English, and possibly a job here. I’m thinking that I’ll use my door knocking endurance that’s been cultivated this week to go find a job downtown on my day off tomorrow. Maybe I’ll become a VA, myself. Should I quit outright or just ask for less days? If they refuse less days, should I tell them to stuff it? Am I just at a level of inexperience that running into this brick wall is actually making me worse? These questions and more on the spreadsheet.

Meet up at 2:30, you say?
I fear that the pros and cons list will just be an exercise in rationalization. Staying appears to be a test in tenacity. I see quitting as weakness, and staying as proof of strength, but is staying for the sake of strength the most logical thing to do? Is quitting really weakness? It’s been a long time since I’ve gone into one of these tailspins of uncertainty through navel-gazing.

As for what actually happened today: Went to work for a short day, since it’s Saturday. Talked to 40 people, only 2 of which were nice and gave good conversation. None signed. That tallies to 3 days with 0 signatures, and $400 to show for somewhere near 50 hours of difficult work.

I went home and realized that I left my laptop cord at Shimou’s, and she invited me back to get it. Maybe we’ll go swimming, which might be nice to relax. She’s also allowing me to do laundry there, which is fantastic.

I ran into Yuzu on the way to the gym, and she’s got a second job. She’s working nights at a restaurant, then mornings at the cleaning agency. The Cleaners basically threatened her that they wouldn’t pay her for training, or maybe worse, if she didn’t stay at least a month. DIAF. At least she’s getting some breathing room after tomorrow, as that’s the last day until the month of torture ends for her. Seems we’re both feeling pretty beaten down at the moment, though she has more reason than me. Something like 40-50 hours a week for $250, and it’s also not easy work. 45 minutes to clean out an entire hotel room, complete with a kitchen - alone.

The view of Russel Square from the Gym's Step at Dusk
The night itself was spent at Shimou’s. We ate dinner, and I showed them how to play the ever-popular card game Golf. They enjoyed it. It was a fairly late night, ending around 2am. For a bit, I forgot that I had to go door knocking again. Oh god.

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