Monday, February ~8th, 2016

Well, after all that struggle, today was the big day that I finally made it on a damn plane to China. In total from inception to take-off, it has been about a 16 month struggle to find a job, gather my documents, ensure they arrived (the same document was lost in the mail twice ($65 CAD), and rejected once ($550 CAD)) and were accepted by the Chinese government (they don’t like Canadians applying from Australia, apparently), receiving the documents on the Canadian side, going to the visa office in Toronto (twice), and somehow pulling everything together within a week of the visa being granted.

Baggage Claim in Beijing Airport

In short: It’s been a bit of a struggle.

It took me a long time to recognize that I have some degree of social anxiety. Not recognizing it may have helped me. Without the label, I just saw it as a personal trait that I could work on and develop. Had I been formally diagnosed, there's a chance that I may have been medicated and left it well enough alone.

It may surprise people that I have social anxiety, as I go out of my way to put myself in uncomfortable social situations (sometimes). To put it in perspective: I refused to go to clubs during the entirety of my life until I was in my final year of undergrad. Even now I feel a tinge of anxiety if we have plans to go to the club - and this is after I've forced myself to overcome that fear for years.

Simply put: Fear is a liar. 

It distort things, and make you feel like you should avoid new situations.

Here is the progression that helped me expose those lies.

Canadian Winter

A friend of mine asked me what advice I would give to people entering into their twenties. After some consideration, I came up with the following guidance:

1) Stay Hungry, Naive, and Open

When trying to get ahead in your twenties, it feels as though the naive optimism drains out of most of us as we near the end of that particular decade in our lives. To many, it seems like an inevitability that we will be worn down by the daily grind. In many cases, that's true - but it doesn't have to be.

These are just two approaches to meditation, not the end-all be-all. Though there are many out there, I find these works the best for me. Several people had asked me to explain them throughout the years, so I figured I'd just write it all down and put it out there. Without further delay:

Active Meditation

Sit in a comfortable, relaxed position. I choose to sit cross legged with a pillow under my butt so that it’s elevated, allowing for easier, low-maintenance balance. Rest your hands on your knees, arms fully extended, which also helps with balance. It doesn’t much matter how you sit, so long as you’re comfortable and able to focus without falling asleep. If you’re going to use a timer, start it now.

Once you’re in a comfortable position, close your eyes and begin breathing deeply into your stomach first, then into your chest once your stomach is fully expanded. Exhale in reverse order, starting from your chest, and then your stomach. You will continue to breath like this, deeply and slowly, the entire time. Once you have set your rhythm, focus on tensing and relaxing all the muscles in your body, one after the other. Begin with your feet, then your calves, then your quads, etc. Tense one, relax it, then move onto the next. The purpose here is to find and release any tension you may be unknowingly carrying. Pay particular attention to your shoulders and face, which is where a lot of people seem to carry permanent tension.

More Windsor Street Art

I remember reading one time that the Ancient Roman's view of chance in life was not to fight it, but to embrace it. If I recall correctly, they saw chance as an overarching feature of life that should be expected, and that we should welcome what comes. Even if I'm misremebering, this seems like the only real approach we can take. To do otherwise is to continue running forward when we clearly see a cliffs edge. Why not veer off to a side and cross the eventual bridge that comes?

Life Is Chance

When you look back at your life, how much of it was pre-planned to end up to this exact point? How long before you had to take the plunge did you have your plans set in stone? Now compare those two answers to the following: how many times have your plans been completely derailed? How many times did something big knock you off one track and onto another, completely unexpected one?

If your life is anything like mine, then you'll probably see that the final questions have a lot more (interesting) stories than the first one. I don't think it's any surprise that things will happen that make it so you have to have to take a last-second turn, or maybe a complete detour. I mean this both literally and metaphorically. 

If we look at driving as a literal example of our metaphorical life, the analogy works quite well. Most of the time, the mundane things will be going smoothly, but occasionally there'll be massive construction, accidents, emergencies, someone will cut you off, or maybe you, yourself, will be struck. Despite this, we learn to cope, we make due, and we become better because of it.

Printing Press in Winsor

Creatures of Habit

Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of angry people. Sometimes they are angry for good reason, other times it makes such little sense that I can't help but laugh and shake my head.

We all get angry over stupid things from time to time, but it's how we deal the anger that really matters. Some cities are now furnished with so-called "Rage Rooms" where people can let loose and destroy things such as plates, toilets, and other household breakables - for a fee, of course. The ones I read about allowed you to bring items in, such as those from an ex, and smash the living hell out of them with a variety of tools. As the owner of the Toronto Rage Room was quoted:

"Society prevents us from expressing that anger outward most of the time, so this Rage Room is a cathartic relief for participants"

Downtown Detroit

I wanted to begin by addressing the ever-present sentiment on social media that "people are not to be trusted" and that "you find out who your real friends are when things go bad." While the second has some weight to it, I think they are both gross oversimplifications. There may actually be a case revolving around intelligence. Let's take a peek, shall we?

My "order number" was a MLP Doll
This was at The Yeti

I'm going to complete a 4-week pattern of saying one thing, then immediately contradicting it the following week. I was listening to an audiobook^ where it described an orator giving a rousing speech on the merits of "Justice" as the highest virtue. He argued his case expertly, apparently arousing strong emotions from the audience in favour of his stance. The next day, he returned to argue that Justice should not be regarded at all - also with equally convincing arguments and skill as the first. If I recall correctly, he was banned from the city, possibly because he was rather dangerous and could "corrupt the citizens". If anyone knows the exact story, I'd love to know who this character was and where I could find his speeches. I don't claim to be anywhere near this skill, but why not try arguing both sides of an idea?

Uptown Waterloo

These past few weeks are hardly notable. Very little is happening in the day to day, and I'm largely biding my time while waiting for something to give. Most days in the windowless, green, fluorescent lit training room, filled with dissimilar people of varying backgrounds and ages, listening to a quirky half-Japanese fellow talk about Chrysler, customer care, and warranties. No cellphones, no internet. 8 hours a day, 5 consecutive days, 5 weeks.

Sounds boring, right?

That it most definitely is. But this isn't another complaint post. Instead, I'm advocating for the side of boredom. I was in waterloo earlier today, and old habits kick in quick: I was listening to the CBC. A piece on the merits of boredom happened to be playing.

The Duke of Wellington

I wasn't sure about putting up the last post, even when writing it. Do I really want to whine online like some teenager? While my current phase is a throwback to that time, I should have better coping skills by now. I've thought about it a lot* and I concluded the following: I was being overly whiny and it's time to stop. Why complain?

I claim to be a stoic, but whining about one's situation clearly isn't part of the philosophy. In fact, it's pretty clear that's exactly the opposite of what a stoic should be doing. Then again, no one is perfect in their execution of an idea; I view it as a stumble, rather than a full collapse.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the philosophical stance, I'll steal the brief summary from my good friend, Steven Rose:

It's all about mental perseverance through the use of rational, emotionally detached methods

Not too shabby

If you enjoy negative posts, then you, dear reader, are in for a treat!

As you can see, dedicated reader, my last post encompassed one single event instead of the entire week that followed it. Honestly, my life is incredibly boring for you to read and frustrating for me to live right now. If this was it - if this was all I had to look forward to for an indefinite amount of time - I would totally off myself. That's the depressive side that's starting to leak out of containment, which is held in check by anger and stoicism on the other. I haven't been writing, though I have a few opinion/how-to posts that I wanted to flesh out. I am lacking the time and/or motivation. As I've said in the past, when you least want to get down to work can sometimes be the best time to do it. So here I am.

At the Bar, awaiting the guests

Today is the day when I would finally have to give the speech which has been hanging over my head for months now, looming ever since the day they asked me to be best man. I've definitely built it up to more than it should be, but I'm also putting on the pressure to give a great speech that rivals the greatness of my betrothed friends. My sister had reframed it as an opportunity that I am able to be part of such a momentous occasion for people whom I love. Easy to say, difficult to convince yourself fully. But remember: the idea of doing something is usually worse than the actual act itself.

Ciociaro Club Hall

The moment I woke up, anxiety immediately set in and, strangely, the fleeting idea of getting out of it crossed my mind. This is increasingly rare, as now I tend to default to "fight" over "flight." Figuratively, of course. Sometimes I wish the fights we had would be more physical, as they might be easier to confront. Tangible, y'know?

Before everyone arrived at Thanksgiving

Sunday - Thanksgiving and Shae’s gathering

Today is Thanksgiving. Tomorrow is a baking day to work on the recipes for my Matcha recipe book. Since I only give myself one day off a week from eating restrictively, and I try to avoid exceptions as much as possible… so it looks like thanksgiving is all salad and meat.

"Phil's Grandsons" the Infamous Waterloo Dive Bar

I'm going to be upfront and honest with this: I haven't really been focusing on writing for the past couple weeks. Not even taking notes, so this is what I recall based on the pictures during that week and walking through the week in y head.

I still hadn't heard back from my school and had followed up with them because I'm getting antsy. The Matcha is on its way, and I had put a fair bit of time into writing a recipe book. There was a wedding the weekend that began this week, giving me a surprise opportunity to hitch a ride to Waterloo with some family friends. Sounds good to me, I'm feeling cooped.

Adeline and Steve during Painting Day

Ramblings

Ok, maybe I am getting a bit restless. I finally got out of the house, other than simply biking. I drove somewhere, parked, and went into a building. Williams street cafe is my local favourite, but they had unexpectedly closed early. This leads to me walking down king street, all half-kilometre, to the other cafe, Coffee culture. It’s actually a pretty cool place; formerly a bank, they converted it to a massive cafe with bronze, stamped ceiling tiles.

Picture from when I went out Biking

Matcha comin' Atcha'

In my last post, I cut out a major part of my life for the first couple weeks because the writing was getting unwieldy. I’ll expand on that aspect a little. It is working with my Dad at odd jobs as a handyman for family and friends. 

I’ve had jobs before that were similar, such as demolition/renovation for a friend who runs a property management company, and helping friends here and there. But really, I know nothing, but would like to learn more. I just wasn’t sure of what it would be like working with my Dad…

Ha, Ha! Business!

Aaaand it's time to begin the weekly posts! These will be released every Monday,* and will encapsulate the major events of the past week. They won’t be as detailed, focusing on the broad strokes of what I’ve been up to and thinking about.

The third week of September involved hanging out with 2 people: Primarily Steve, one of my best friends, and once with Emily, one of the few friends I still have in Chatham. Contrasting this with how things were in Australia, it’s a lot more solitary. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing, as it’s giving me plenty of time to work on the projects I had been cooking up while in Australia.

September 8th, 2015

Standard Canadian Houses

I woke up feeling like a building had collapsed on me. I haven’t worked out for over a month, then did quite a bit of activity and injury yesterday. Does a number on you! Going to bed last night, I hurt a bit, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. 

I pull myself out of bed to find I can’t walk without a significant limp, and definitely can’t run. Any fitness buffs know that sore-leg biz after leg day can be difficult to get around. At least know it’s a good pain. Now it’s just damage pain that will probably linger for a while. So long as it’s temporary, I can deal. Please be temporary.*

The cat my parents nursed back to health

September 7th, 2015

It’s 10 o’f***ing clock in the morning and I’m already awake. Just to be clear, I slept around 3am last night and had been up since 4:30am, save for a 1 hour nap. I’ve done night shifts for years. I'm naturally a nighthawk, so I thought this wouldn’t be so bad. In reality, it’s not that bad since I don’t have to be at work or anything, and I’m used to being tired all the time by now. I'm just playing it up, though it is annoying.

I play around on my phone for a bit before realizing that it may be a while until someone else gets up. Leftovers for breakfast! I’m not sure why people have contempt for tepid or cold coffee. Still pretty good, and at least it doesn't scorch your mouth. Tea and coffee are annoying like that.

While waiting for Steve to get up, I edit posts as best I can on their rural internet. The rest of the family wakes up and goes about their day while Steve continues to slumber. His parents ask me to come out on their boat. The Mythical Boat.

Sleepless in Waterloo

September 6th, 2015

Having a life in multiple timelines can be a bitch.

I’m woken up at 4:30am because Shimou is being worried by her friends whispering in her ear. It seems like they’re more traditional, and clearly have no idea who I am. They seem to be telling her that a) I’m using her, b) I will disappear without warning,* and c) that I’m a bad guy. "Bad guy" is debatable, but the other two definitely aren’t true. Constantly hearing these ideas about someone who isn’t there… well, that’s hard to defend against.

I talked to her for an hour, calmed her down, and said goodnight. Everything was cool. On her end. On mine, I’m wide awake from the conversation, and my internal clock still thinks it should be daylight. I heard somewhere that it takes 1 day for every hour of time change, which means this places me at about 5 of 12 days.

ViaRail

Reuben, thankfully, pushed back his pickup time by a half hour, which allowed me to get an hour more of sleep. Reuben is funny. Fantastic singer, fitness enthusiast,** tip-top waiter at The Works - all around great guy.