Day 153 - Can You Do The Splits?

The cat my parents nursed back to health
September 7th, 2015

It’s 10 o’f***ing clock in the morning and I’m already awake. Just to be clear, I slept around 3am last night and had been up since 4:30am, save for a 1 hour nap. I’ve done night shifts for years. I'm naturally a nighthawk, so I thought this wouldn’t be so bad. In reality, it’s not that bad since I don’t have to be at work or anything, and I’m used to being tired all the time by now. I'm just playing it up, though it is annoying.

I play around on my phone for a bit before realizing that it may be a while until someone else gets up. Leftovers for breakfast! I’m not sure why people have contempt for tepid or cold coffee. Still pretty good, and at least it doesn't scorch your mouth. Tea and coffee are annoying like that.

While waiting for Steve to get up, I edit posts as best I can on their rural internet. The rest of the family wakes up and goes about their day while Steve continues to slumber. His parents ask me to come out on their boat. The Mythical Boat.
Power Towers
Backstory: I’ve been friends with Steve since grade 9 or 10. That’s ~12 years ago, and I’ve never been on this stupid thing. Over a decade! To make it worse, they take it out frequently during the summer! Worse still, a mutual friend of ours went out on the boat the first time he went over! The very first time, and several times since! I always imagined him showing up and the discussion going something like “hey, wanna go on the boat that Phil is never allowed on? Let’s do it!” then performing bare-footed, and no-hands water skiing.

Anyway, this has been a long-running joke in our dynamic, same with Wyatt not actually existing.* I’m hesitant to accept the offer because I have plans to game tonight with a few friends who I haven’t talked to much since leaving the country. I also need a nap, and I know that this thing will take all day and probably force me to skip it. Then again, I can rest tomorrow, and I’ve never been on the boat…

Australia pic from Shimou
Ultimately, I let Steve decide. If it fit with his schedule, we’d do it. If not, we wouldn’t. It fits; time to shatter some decade-standing jokes!

All Aboard! Anchors Aweigh! It’s Wyatt and his father, Brayden, Steve, and his parents on this here vessel. Wyatt doesn’t think he likes boats, and I can understand why when he can’t swim yet. They suggest water skiing, which Steve suggests I do first. Uh, how about I do it second after watching it done? How about that?

Steve demonstrates, losing a ski partway through and continuing with only one. Afterward, Steve gives me his tips. Keep your knees apart, hold the handle close to your chest, and always lean back - never lean forward. Here we go.

Taunting me with my cup
I’m floating haphazardly in the water, a bit nervous because this could go badly, but hey, let’s give it a go. I’m leaning back quite far when the slack is removed, I’m ripped through the water. I hold on for what felt like 30ft of water up my nose before my legs, formerly in front of me, are snapped to each side and I feel a pop in my left hip. The handle is then pulled from my hands while I choke down more water.

“Want to go, again?” Bob, Steve’s dad, asks.
“I can barely swim with my legs,”

Now I’m lying, chest down, on a big whoopee cushion, gripping the handles. Here’s hoping I don’t get further hurt as my mangled legs bounce atop the speeding waters. GO!

My feet act as makeshift rudders, using them to avoid the massive wake that’s a foot away from me on either side. Bob likes to go fast, and take hard turns. There were a couple times where he almost shook me loose, but I knew that it would hurt more to go flying off on a turn than to continue holding on. Protip: if you’re bigger than the tube, don’t lay face down if you’re male. If you do it anyway, you’ll be forced to use your knees to keep yourself, uh, safe.

A Japanese Temple(?) from Yuzu
Since no one else wants to be dragged behind the boat, we relax at the sand bar and have some drinks in the boat city. It’s a massive shallow section in the lake where you can anchor your boat, have a few drinks, and play catch. You can even dance on your 5-boat impromptu party dock, like some of our boating neighbours did. Unfortunately, I didn’t take my phone on the boat, so I have no pictures of this excursion. I do have the injuries, though.**

Bob and I played catch with a water-logged, foam football, Steve tried swimming to an island, and the rest hung out on the boat. Good times. Second protip: If you’re drinking on a boat, the same rules apply for the driver as cars. In addition, if you don’t have a toilet on your boat, you’re not allowed to drink alcohol. Some people avoid this by drinking out of party cups, then dropping them if the cops happen by. Who could say what was actually in that cup?

Japanese Train
After a couple hours, we travel back to Steve’s house, pack up, and I hitch a ride back to Chatham from Steve. He hung out while I set up my station, hosting the game, blah blah. We said goodbye as the game session began, and ran to the crack of midnight. Terraria is a great multiplayer game. You'll note that the nap didn't happen. Curses!

In response to the title: I guess I can, but not without a cost.

Editing Music: Forces... Darling by Koop

*Since I hadn't met him. Pictures don't count in the age of photoshop.
**The limp's almost gone from the forcible splits. Not joke.

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