Life on Pause

Not too shabby

If you enjoy negative posts, then you, dear reader, are in for a treat!

As you can see, dedicated reader, my last post encompassed one single event instead of the entire week that followed it. Honestly, my life is incredibly boring for you to read and frustrating for me to live right now. If this was it - if this was all I had to look forward to for an indefinite amount of time - I would totally off myself. That's the depressive side that's starting to leak out of containment, which is held in check by anger and stoicism on the other. I haven't been writing, though I have a few opinion/how-to posts that I wanted to flesh out. I am lacking the time and/or motivation. As I've said in the past, when you least want to get down to work can sometimes be the best time to do it. So here I am.

Waterloo in Fall

I'm "supposed" to talk about the two weeks following the wedding. Let's start with that and see where we end up, shall we?

Highlights of the week directly following the wedding (18th-24th)

-Mike and Elyssa went back to Ottawa
-I voted, though it didn't count because of the riding in which I was voting (ABC in Cons County)
-I went to Waterloo to bring Lauren, my sister, back home, and hung out there until Thursday
-Came back to Chatham for an interview at a call center
-Spent my weekend trying to squeeze maximum enjoyment out of the time I had left before the job started.

At Vincenzo's in Waterloo

The parallels between dating and job interviews is striking. When you act indifferent and aren't super needy, things fall into place. When a great opportunity presents itself, you'll find it harder and harder to place yourself into that frame. So, lo and behold, the job I don't really want is the one I get. Hey, it's money, right? Just another shitty job in the endless series of shitty service jobs I've had. Why stop now? More on this in the recap of the following week.

Highlights of The Halloween week (25th-31st)

-Begin Job on Tuesday
-Still eating strictly
-Adjusting to the 4pm-12am schedule
-Living Late

I draw a lot at work...

The training is 5 weeks in-class, Monday to Friday. That's right, I'm working for a call center and sitting in a classroom. If living with your parents wasn't bad enough without income, how about we introduce Highschool: Take 2 into the picture. But first, tweak it: add 2 hours to the normal school day, and only cover one "class" called Chrysler.* Fun. The first two weeks are entirely on customer service training - something (I insist) can't be taught in-class. It's lecturing baby birds on how to fly. You need to just shove them out there and correct/eliminate as they go. One day or two weeks, the training won't much matter. I've had approximately a decade in customer service, making my ears bleed at how boring this is. No cell phones, no surfing the web (brand websites only), though snacks are allowed. If only I was allowed myself to snack....

This is all well and good, right? Monday to friday, 9-5, that sounds great for just sitting in a Brain-meltingly basic job/class where you are forced to feel like a kid again, right? Oh wait, but it's not 9-5, it's 4pm-midnight. At least we get dress down days two days of the week! Hoo boy, how exciting! Totally makes the ensuing depression, existential angst, and $11.25 an hour (for 7.25h a day) all worthwhile!

...To pass the time without getting in trouble.

Like I said...

I tried portraying my frustration for this job to my dad, which only resulted in an almost-fight where he didn't seem to understand why I was getting worked up while expressing my frustration. I wasn't suggesting quitting straight up, but finding another job because this one is driving me insane and steadily sapping my motivation to do anything productive. Somehow I'm still able to force myself to eat well and work out most days.

That conversation seemed almost like we had spoken other languages, as he then went and reached out to people in order to get me a job on a factory line. He suggested I could work up to HR, but.. that would only be possible if I decided to not kill myself while working that braindead position long enough to rise in the ranks.... Which would take months, minimum.**

Bottom line is that I feel like I'm making a bad trade - all my time and motivation for the minimum legal amount I can be paid. Build something longer term? Who needs it! Why, I could be making $400 a week in the short term and rely on that forever! Seriously though, I've got to find a better balance.

...Highschool: Take 2

If you're reading this, rolling your eyes at how much of an angsty bitch I am, I get it. You're probably right. Letting that stand, how about some inventory: I'm 27, I'm still in debt from school, and I'm still lacking any semblance of a solid direction in life. The closest I've come to a direction is entrepreneurship, which has stalled out thanks to the aforementioned motivation problem. It feels like I'll never make it to China because of all the setbacks. I was essentially in this position a year ago, yet now it seems like I'm in an even worse position. Part of me thinks I've just been too lazy, or not committed enough to something, but I'm not sure if either of those are true.

Suffering with Direction

It boils down to the common problem for people at my age: When will the work finally pay off? I know it's supposed to only get harder, and I'm generally alright with coping with shit happening... but when there's an underlying purpose, direction, or goal. Man, I'm only eating meat, vegetables, and legumes right now. It's not that hard because I have an underlying direction and purpose for that "suffering." I'm even toying with "intermittent fasting" where I'm going to try out not eating for 24h once per week to see what happens. Not the easiest of things to do, but it will just hone my willpower all the more. Again, suffering with direction is fine.

Requested Vinyl player.
You can tell my geometric
skills are lacking.

I think we can suffer most anything if we have an underlying reason that we believe in. The problem lies in when it feels like pointless suffering on a dead end. And that's where I lie at this moment.

If I mentally step back from my frustration and anger, I know it's stupid to feel this way right now. If things work out, I can probably move to part time at this job, giving me an additional 1-2 days to get my shit done, while still making around a grand a month without bills. That should easily be enough time to get the Matcha business going, maintain the blog without feeling so much like a weekend chore, pay back a bit of debt, and organize my way to China.

- Bitching over -

Postscript

I expected it to come off more whiny and less organized. Huh.

Requested Candycane Flower

I spent the night in Windsor with Adeline and Steve at their new digs. I had said in my best man speech that they were among my best supporters, and this was never more true than this night. Part of the bleakness was also because I'm lacking the influences that usually keep me motivated or have the mindsets I want. We (the three of us) hadn't really spoken much since the wedding, meaning I've been wallowing for these past two weeks.

They set me straight, pointed out some of my better options, and helped me come up with my contingency plans. Back on track, I know I can stick through this stopover.

Editing Music: Bloodstream - Ed Sheeran & Rudimentals

*I couldn't care less about cars if you paid me. One of my desires is to never own another car again. I want self-driving cars to take off, which should be significantly cheaper than cab drivers. That'll be the day.
**This is also ignoring the fact that HR is often the last department to hire, the first to fire, requires a (lengthy(?)) certificate which I don't possess, and would probably be more likely to be hired from without than hired from the factory line. Oh, and, again, if there was actually the time or motivation for me to work my way up in a car company. See other footnote.