Day 48 - Sober, Depressed, and Alone

I like the Imagery of a Floating City.
It also reminds me of this.

May 26th, 2015
 - Sorry Day

Today was Sorry Day. This is the day where the Government of Oz officially says "sorry about that, mate" to the Aboriginal people of Australia. Honestly, I think they could have come up with a better name for it.

Today was also not a very good day for me. Still down about the events that had happened yesterday, I drag myself to the gym to attempt to kickstart my upward spiral*. It doesn’t really work and the work out suffered because of the mood. But hey, a bad workout (sans injury) is better than no work out. I go home, shower, then make a trip to Tran’s Emporium for some food and snacks. Something significant happened around here, but I haven't decided whether I should include it or not. 

The day was a slump. I played some games and wallowed in the malaise, giving into the desire to not do any work. I am sickened by the amount I have been giving into that. I’ve pushed myself to be uncomfortable and overcome that discomfort while giving in to the laziness in other areas. Realizing this, I go on a writing/editing rampage and dump a number of posts to get closer to the present (still somewhere around 20 days behind…)

It's like.. New... forever.

Work is a funny paradox. When you’re depressed and feel like shit, you really, really don’t want to do any of it. Then, if you somehow muster up the willpower to do so, you end up feeling better once you’ve accomplished it. Some people think retirement sounds amazing, usually translated into 'doing nothing'. These are the people who made me super pessimistic about the future; I thought that it was inevitable I would hate my job and would be unhappy no matter what I did. Living for the weekend, keeping up with the Jones', and the soul crushing grind. Now, I realize that work is essential to living a happy life, but that depends how you want to define the word. In either case, doing some blog work helped lift my spirits enough to allow me to follow through on my plan for the night.

The book “Willpower” talks about one way to have a stronger will: precommitment. You commit yourself to a course of action, no matter what, before you get into the situation. In this case, I decided I would be going to Hip-E bar, again, to get the beer and sausage deal (free, and no entry before 10!) No one is going with me. I have also only have 2 beers, though I've decided to cut back on the drinking.

The scene: It’s 9pm, I’m feeling depressed, sober, and going to the bar alone. Fantastic beginnings! To those who think the idea of going to a club alone, let alone sober, is unappealing - I agree whole-heartedly. That being said, I did the same tactic I used to even get to Australia in the first place: baby stepping. Focus on the now! What small move toward that goal can I take without actually thinking about how daunting the event is? In this case, I put on my shoes, stuff my ID in my pocket, and walk out the door. Once started, the momentum will carry me toward the goal! It’s harder and harder to change your course back to the house. I mean, how pathetic would I feel if I turned around halfway and went home? 'Quite' is the answer. It’s like running; sometimes the pain gets so bad that you think stopping will help ease it. That’s often a mistake; when you stop, the pain seems to dig its teeth in. Going forward should be the only course. What’s the worst that’s going to happen?

Street Art near Hip-E bar

I get to the club and sort of talk to the people in the line, but don’t make much of an effort. Turns out, today is TWO free beers and a sausage! What luck! I grab a beer and see this cougar sitting by herself at a table. I strike up conversation with her. She’s an assistant/receptionist for this eccentric 70 year old billionaire guy. She used to practice law, and told me about one of her last cases. The client got caught for manufacturing meth, was released on bail, then set up another lab down the street in an abandoned shack. They caught him because he left his cell phone and laptop in the very same shack. What a dunce. She seemed to be flirting with me a bit, and I felt like I was avoiding discomfort by continuing the conversation, so I excused myself to grab my second beer and my sausage. I sort of talked with an Aussie guy while I ate my sausage, then struck up conversation with two other UK guys. One wandered off, so I brought the other with me to talk to two girls who looked bored. They were also Aussie, and didn’t seem to pay much mind to my impromptu friend, causing him to bounce. Turns out that they had organized a bus from UWA to come to the event and there were a lot of people from the Uni. I chatted with them, met some of their friends, answered questions about Canada (one guy went on exchange to Hamilton... weird.) then took off around 11.

Like I said, pushing through ended up lifting my spirits, and I ended the day with my head held a little higher than where it had started.

*: Opposite of a downward spiral. An upward spiral is the momentum toward success that begin with the small steps that build upon each other. I go into this in greater depth in a later post.